I haven’t really been writing much lately.

It’s disappointing really because I can’t say I’ve done much of anything outside of work, work and more work.

In the meantime, the disaster that grows around me just continues to grow and I am reminded of the Shelley poem: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

There aren’t ‘works‘ though in any sense, just a house that continually falls deeper into disrepair and amasses more clutter. I simple have been lacking the energy to do anything these days and there is just so many things I should be doing that I have allowed to slide.

Tomorrow, there is a work event that requires me to go into the city and truth be told I’m just not looking forward to it.

Why?

Well, I had set up an Omnicard which they use now instead of the Metrocard but they fucked around with that even though they took my picture and my money to fund the card. They sent back my application but oddly enough didn’t send back the money I had loaded on the card just creating another problem to deal with.

So, if I go into the city, there’s an opportunity to rectify that but I really don’t care to be bothered to tell you the truth.

I have to desperately get a haircut before I go in, simply because days and weeks and months of working from home and not really needing to go out means that I am unkempt. I need to clean myself too having developed bad hygienic habits over the period of time. I have to do laundry as well.

Work has been such that it’s been a clusterfuck of disaster as the people within my own company just continue to fuck up and then fuck up more and fuck up even more after that meaning I have to pick up their slack and things keep coming to me late and in groups which they shouldn’t. Then I have to track down people to look at things and approve then and deal with vendors as well but everything instead of happening in a smooth flow all has to happen at once because my company KEEPS FUCKING UP!

My own annual celebration was recent but I didn’t even take time off and even though I was offered the opportunity to be feted didn’t do that either because work is simple exhausting.

And then I’m worried too about next year and being renewed.

So, I just work, make food, vegetate and watch the tube and really don’t accomplish anything else. It’s not a great life but I’ll take it.

The other day, I reached out to a few people. I don’t know why really other than maybe being a bit lit at the end of the day and the mind wandering.

I reached out to a friend who I worked with and who I just simply hadn’t had any contact with and the next day early my phone was blowing up with messages from him.

Younger than me by almost a decade he relayed how he has Stage 4 cancer. We had a long conversation shortly afterward, it’s sobering really but the truth of it is and the thing you don’t realize when you are a young person is that you are not invincible nor are you eternal. You may have grandparents but there isn’t a guarantee that you will match their number of years logged on the planet.

He’s a good guy too… that’s what’s really sad about it. Not that there ever is a situation to be happy about these things.

Since, I started this job, two of the women in our group have died. I’m not talking about dying of old age either, both of these women died before they hit 55. One was the woman that hired me at my previous job and she was really a nice person and the other again was a super nice woman who had stepped back from work. The thing of it was over the summer I had reached out to her via email and told her how much she was missed and never heard back but she died shortly afterward making me feel a little foolish,

I guess this is my roundabout way of saying, yeah… life can be fucked up. There are times when you feel you are in a rut and nothing is happening or maybe things aren’t going the way you want them but even though that’s the case? You really should be counting your lucky stars because in all honesty there are no guarantees, every fucking day that you are on this planet is a gift, every new day opens up before you with possibility and don’t take it for granted because there are a lot of other people who would willingly trade places with you.